Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

I hope Alan is OK

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.