yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Most Common Source of Electricity
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.