yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Oh we’ve met.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“and how does that make you feel?”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.