Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
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I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
j o i m p
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin