Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FurwWpCX0AE5V9B.mp4

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.