Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.