Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
🐟✨ #re4
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?