Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
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OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
#oldknees
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.