Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Mmmm canned fish.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.