Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
me when i smell free food in the break room
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”