Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Ummm

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

Happens to everyone.