Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Ovenable?

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.