[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Effort made
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
🤣🤣🤣
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.