[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
#JohnTravolta
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?