Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

Tuesday

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.