Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.