Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

To see more unmatched reporting, visit

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”