Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
They’re the worst 😩
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS