Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
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Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
gender is a sprctrum
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
notice
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake