Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

Kids: Stay in school.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.