[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I can’t wait!
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]