[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline