Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?