Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

same but as an audience member

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.