[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Look Ma, no handle on things
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume