[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Two types of dogs.
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away