[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.