Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Simple

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

Smile Twitter, Smile.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters