Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy