Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.