Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.