Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.