Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
*bites zombie*
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
hardest line in real life
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.