Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night