Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take care of yourself, ladies

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.