[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
when dads have a rap battle
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
You are not alone 💚
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.