[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.