Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists