I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t