[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?