Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?