Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer