Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
🙁
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…