Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
“i am a sweet baby”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
