Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol