Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.