Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
😍😂🥰😂😍
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.