Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily