Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
me: my friends:
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!