yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You Might Also Like
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Always leave them wanting their money back.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
when a toddler tells a story
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
don’t we all
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant