yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.