yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
water it, i dare you
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
bears
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs