yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Still a very good boi….
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit