yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute