yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Mmmm canned fish.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.