Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
