Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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Natty or not?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Saturday
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Ok cat haters, explain this…