Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.