Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
There’s only one good girl here!
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.