“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
bugs when you lift up a rock
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The cycle continues
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that