“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
There are usually two types of merchants.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.