Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh