Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.