Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Bruh 😂

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Need this in my life lol

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

The pasta is now

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.