Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS