*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.


Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you


[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord


When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.


Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.


Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”


MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi


Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”


Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.