@AimeeHelene1

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

You Might Also Like

@elwaytotheend

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

@YourMomsucksTho

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@Parkerlawyer

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

@fro_vo

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

@benpershing

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

@patcasey72

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.