*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.