*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
You Might Also Like
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side