*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Isn’t
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.