*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
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Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
whatcha thinkin bout
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My love language is deader than Latin
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.