Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’d use my best pan on you.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox