Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Interior design 👌

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.