Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Short story

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.