Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows