Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Beware of fowl play.

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”