Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.