Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
