Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

She puts the hot in psychotic