Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.