*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings
If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.