@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

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@AbleLikes

party at my place – b.y.o.b. (bring your own biocontainment)

@seanyeatts

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.

@Crunk_Jews

Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.

@jpbrammer

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

@UnFitz

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

@KenTremendous

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

@lanyardtwerk

Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.

@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@kaytaa

Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.

@StinkyGr33n

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm