Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

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party at my place – b.y.o.b. (bring your own biocontainment)


Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.


Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.


she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout


Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.


“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”


Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.


[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know


Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.


I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm