@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

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@InternetHippo

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

@MrSpoonicorn

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

@ExperBadMom

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

@CabetoMejia

From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings

@jocylan

If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder

@AVenezuelan19

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

@markydoodoo

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

@Honda_954

Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.

@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.